i was dreaming of the holy city

"I'm Sensitive" -Jewel

2011-11-21T22:57:00.000-06:00

"I'm Sensitive"

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we'll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
It's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Wish You Well

2011-09-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

For anyone who has lost...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtjd-Qtrz-E

Mindy Smith: songs about her mom dying of cancer

2011-08-14T10:50:00.001-05:00

One Moment More

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

Long Island Shores

Oh my soul craves to go home
to long island shores again
take me back to old north Walk?
to breathe in the harbor wind.

I'll be leaving Tennessee on the first plane
Sunday gone to my family reunion
There my father preached at the church
on the corner of Old Nickels Road
He raised four children in a green house
we are all well and now we are all grown

There my mother Sharron lies deep in the earth of the long island shores
I will visit her grave and plant yellow roses at her stone

I'll be leaving Tennessee on the first plane
Sunday gone to my family reunion
I'll be leaving
gone to my family reunion
Oh my soul craves to go home.

Faith

2011-06-25T13:47:00.002-05:00

"Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I believe that You will awaken my soul

And let, let faith arise again, I believe"

Quick update

2011-05-02T22:11:00.003-05:00

As much as the last couple of months have dramatically changed one of my closest relationships, it has allowed me to strengthen my others.

Sometimes, you have to let go when someone is affecting your life in a harmful way. I have this motherly nature of wanting to protect those I love. There is no point in trying to "fix" a relationship that will always be broken. People change, circumstances change, life changes and the only constant is time. With that, I repeat: "this too shall pass".

I appreciate my friends more than words can describe. They are my family. I have been blessed with some authentic friendships that remind me of the way Christ wants us to love.

I had the honor of visiting Honduras on a Soles4Souls shoe distribution. We saw a country in chaos, orphans in need, and people who seemed hopeless. The one thing that gave me peace was the overwhelming feeling of love. I was surrounded by a team of people that wanted to give a week of their life away to those who are less fortunate, whether that be financially, relationally, etc, they came to assist strangers in need.

That is the hope I needed. There are people in this broken world that still care about others. There are still people who are inspired by Christ. I needed to be taken away from the superficial-ness of my surroundings to catch just a blink of time that was holy.

The Beatitudes

2011-05-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,

for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

2011-04-03T23:01:00.000-05:00

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

Wintersong

2011-02-14T17:24:00.003-06:00

Wintersong

By: Sarah Mclachlan

{She wrote this after her mom passed away from cancer. My heart tonight...}

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Do it!

2011-02-10T10:10:00.003-06:00

"We could all use a power beyond ourselves. But I think there’s a little more to our yearning than a need for power. I suspect what we really need is hope." -Pete Wilson

My bible study and I have been reading a book called, Plan B. (To some of you: No, not about the morning after pill.)

Since, tragedies have hit my life, I have a difficult time with being hopeful in moments where things haven't gone the way I expected. It seemed after each one, I would think that God knew what he was doing and I'd be fine. The truth is, after the past year or so of more taken away from me, I needed to read some of the truths in this book. More than anything, I needed to read that other people have shattered dreams and tragedies too (duh, right? but I have felt very alone in my suffering). I am not alone in my lowest moments. Others have asked the same questions and have been in the same dark places. Wondering: why am I here? What is my purpose? Why go on?

All the while, asking: God, are you really here? I was beginning to wonder if he was even around anymore. Why allow so much pain? I need some joy! If you've ever felt this way- this book really will bring back some hope to your life. It doesn't promise a happy ending, but it does lead you to live your faith.

The stories Pete shares will definitely tug your heart strings and you will not want to put the book down.

Reminded of reality through nightmares

2011-02-01T11:28:00.002-06:00

Today is one of those days where the loss of my mom has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last night, I had some of the most morbid, vivid, and heart-breaking dreams. To say it was just a nightmare, would be a lie. The reality is, it happened to me. It happened to her.

There is never a good time for someone you love to tell you they have cancer. It rocks your world. The worst part is for me, is that it did rock my world, and it never stopped spinning. My mom told me she was sick and then she was gone. It was that fast. There was never any hope of having years of her in my future. No dreams of her being at my wedding, or holding her grandchildren. She will miss it all. Most of all, I will miss her. I do miss her.

This may be too much to share, but I look at this site, as an open journal to some of the experiences that come from death. Vulnerability is out...so, take it as it comes. It isn't easy, but it would be worse for me to keep it all in.

I woke myself up as I was dreaming. The dream went something like this: We all knew mom was sick, but she was missing. In my head, I knew she was dead. For some reason, I was removed from being with her the past week and didn't know the things that had happened. Mostly, what I remember is that I went to her bedroom and sat on her bed. I had been going through jewelry and found some crosses. When Mom was sick, she held a cross her friend had given her for comfort. She would would grip it so tightly, even as she slept. Anyway, I went to her bed to look for it because I wanted to have it to remind myself of how much she needed God, and how much I needed her memory. This part of the nightmare is true. However, I felt around for the cross in her sheets and came across something hard (the cross was made of wood) and kept feeling around and knew it was not her cross. It was her arm: her very frail dead arm. Her dead body was in the bed. Immediately, I kept trying to wake up, until finally, I opened my eyes.

I know that is so morbid to share. But the reality for me is, I saw some really haunting things. I saw my mom's body be carried out of my house I grew up in, about 30 minutes after she passed. My mom was hauntingly thin. There was a lot of memory in that nightmare.

I have seen things between my mom and dad's tragedies that many may never see. Some see worse. My hope is that I can be a listening ear or will be able to relate to someone with similar experiences. It is difficult to go through life as a 25 year old, with no one around me to relate to. I know my case is rare in America. I know a couple friends who have lost a parent, but not two. However, I know they are out there. I hope I can reach someone and let them know- I understand the grief and way your world has been changed forever. Sometimes, that is all I need to hear....that someone else gets it. It's hard and it isn't something you can pretend didn't happen. Sometimes, it will get the best of you. You just have to keep going and focus on the things that are great in your life. Believe me, you have things that are.

Promised Hope: Restoration

2010-11-28T10:55:00.003-06:00

I don't know why God allows more pain that I can take sometimes. I wrestle with the same questions we all do: Why did a child die? Handicaps? Mental Illness?Why do some have so much and others have so little? Why are people starving? Why is there cancer? Heart disease? Why does God allow all of this?

A friend of shared this thought: If God didn't allow all these things to happen, then there would be no true love in this world. We wouldn't choose to love him. We would be robots that were made to love him and that would not benefit God, our Creator.

He longs for true love, just like the rest of us. He wants us to choose Him. If that is not a relational God, I don't know what is.

We live in a fallen world.

God allows the choices to be made; the sin to happen. No matter how much I prayed for Mom to be healed, she was not healed. I ask you- how/why not? I believed in my prayer, like the farmers were told to believe in the rain for their crops. When things kept progressing and my mom's cancer was taking her life, I lost hope in my prayers. Sometimes, I wondered/wonder: do my prayers really matter? If they did, then why are there many unanswered? Well, the cliche answer is, "God has a plan for you, much greater than your own".

Let me tell you- I did not have a plan for myself. However, I did not imagine a plan on being a twenty-something year old orphan. I did not plan on going to stranger's houses for dinners or holidays, just so I wouldn't be alone in my grief.

I have hope in two things: 1. HEAVEN 2. Restoration of my soul.

Heaven seems far away, when I allow myself to let it be. I have to discipline myself to remember how close to has seemed in my life at various points and CLING to those tastes.

Today, I watched one of the NOOMA films by Rob Bell, titled "Matthew". I deemed it appropriate for my life because of the summary. I will share the line that got me to purchase it: :"What might help us, however, is to understand how Jesus dealt with this kind of loss".

Relationships are the key to moving forward. Even though, I don't know Rob Bell, it certainly was nice to have someone who understood the depth of loss, speaking truth and hope into my life.

This changed my day and hopefully, my future:

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up"

-Psalm 71

OH- H-o-i-l-d-a-y-s!

2010-11-18T11:07:00.002-06:00

The only thing that really sums up the holidays for me is memories:

The memory of time with family

The memory of Home Alone (think of the mom embracing him at the end)

The smell of pine

The malls

The Christmas Story marathons

Christmas Eve Church and tears of missing the ones we have lost.

Christmas lights

Grandma's

My Uncle's

My dad in a santa hat passing out presents.

Gingerbread cookies. We liked the dough better than the baked cookies.

Mom in a holiday outfit with bright red lipstick

Dad in a sweater. The smell of my dad's leather coat

I think of white candles lit at church

Lots of cookies. The heat blowing on my face

The chills of the winter morning

Red, green, gold, silver, white...and more red.

There are many more things I could add to the list (I am sure you have your own!), but this year those are just memories. There isn't anything to revisit in the flesh. I will have to begin a new tradition. I won't even be in the house I have been in for the past 20 years. I'll let you know what happens.

These Hard Times

2010-10-27T16:07:00.000-05:00

"These Hard Times"

By: NEEDTOBREATHE

Give me something brighter

Give me something I can see

Give me something vicious

Give me something I can be

Give me all the love and peace

To end these wars

Give me something sacred

Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation

Give me all my heart's desires

Show me something gorgeous

Show me 'til my eyes get tired

Give me all the drums and

Show me how to play them loud

Show me how to move

When I can't feel that you're around

It's clear enough to me

The ugliness I see

Is evidence of who I need

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

We hide like thieves in shadows

Scared of the sun

'Cause we know the light will find us

Us and all we've done

Give me an answer

Give me a way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the answer

Give me the way out

Give me the faith

To believe in these hard times

Give me the faith to believe in these hard times

She was not ready

2010-10-17T22:48:00.004-05:00

I keep thinking how my mom was not ready to die. We felt there were many memories to come. Especially, she did not want to leave her two children. She fought for eight months to stay with us. Eight months is a long time for a Pancreatic Cancer patient. She did everything she could to be with my brother and me, until it was no longer in her power.

I can remember learning that Mom was given a short matter of time to live: 2-6 months. Hospice was ordered and a week later she died.

In that last week, I knew she only had a matter of days left with us on earth. After she got the news of hospice, she shut down. Can you blame her? If I was told that there was no longer hope for my health and the my life was ending, I would want it to end as fast as possible. However, I was not the one carrying that burden- it was a sick mother with two kids she did not want to abandon.

Not only was she fearful of death, she was in tremendous pain. I can't imagine how much she must have prayed to live and how much she prayed to die simultaneously.

Vividly, I remember sitting in Mom's room avoiding the topic of her death sentence. She was trying to watch American Idol, but would fall asleep every few seconds. Ginny, a close family friend and I knew she was not doing well. Mom never would miss a second of American Idol and now, she was sleeping through her favorite show.

As she lifted her eyelids, she gazed over at me with precious, loving eyes. Supernaturally, at that very moment, I gained the courage to ask her where she wanted her funeral, how she wanted to be buried, etc.

Mom was so calm and peaceful. We had a wonderful conversation about something that was a complete nightmare, but was now our reality-Worse than a nightmare.

That was the last coherent conversation I had with my mother. After that American Idol episode and our funeral discussion, she checked out. Whether, the cancer got to her brain or the malnourishment overtook her, we do not know. The last week was more than any of us could bear and I pray that no one else has to see what this cancer does to the mind and body. AND what death does to the rest of us. Until you experience death closely, your life remains with a missing piece. We all have to experience it throughout our existence. Some in ways more pleasant than others, but no matter what the circumstance of death, it will never leave you the same.

I pray for all those walking in the valleys tonight...

We need hope!

2010-10-12T10:52:00.007-05:00

As I spend most of my time these days fighting Pancreatic Cancer for others, I can get hopeless. I am human. It is like anything else, it is easy to feel like you are working so hard for no results. I know that is not entirely true, but as I meet with different people everyday and study this cancer, it can really be depressing. That is an understatement at best.

Pancreatic Cancer has a 95% mortality rate. Do you want to hear you have it? Do you want to hear your mom/wife/dad/brother/sister/husband etc has it? I am pretty sure you are thinking: "No", following with a knot in your stomach.

Not only do almost all die from this cancer, the battle is gruesome. Yet, only 2% (In 2009 only 2% of the National Cancer Institute's budget of 5 BILLION dollar budget was spent on pancreatic cancer) is given to Pancreatic Cancer research. How does this make sense? It doesn't. It makes me LIVID. Anyone who has experienced this disease, or that has a "walk a mile is someone else's shoes" mentality gets that this is absolutely NOT right.

The correlations are unfair. They are limiting the cancer because no one talks about it. No one wants to hear the statistics. Well, if those who have died from this cancer were here today, trust me, you'd be hearing about it: Just like we hear about breast cancer and the horrific fight through chemo. Not only do Pancreatic Cancer patients go through all of that, they also die. They fight and have no results. I am generalizing here, because again, the percentage is 95%.

PLEASE- I AM BEGGING- be aware that this cancer NEEDS help. We need hope. Pancreatic Cancer needs research funding.

Trust me, I do not want to think about this cancer either. I saw my precious mother die in front of my eyes because of it, but we have to do something.

Message from Mom

2010-07-28T18:29:00.005-05:00

I wish I spoke to Mom more. Please don't be freaked out. I don't mean that she's a ghost lurking around my house. Simply, I wish I would express my feelings to her more, like I would if she was listening. She was the best listener.

I believe my mom is in Heaven. No doubt about it. Today I was searching through a box of memories and ran across this note/poem:

Tears filled my eyes, as I read her hand-written note. It was like she just gave it to me after missing her for so long. What would it be like to be loved like that again? A mother's love is one uniquely beautiful gift.

I have no memory of when she wrote this for me, but it doesn't matter. This note makes me realize that though we are apart, she still has all that love for me she did when she was here. No matter how old I become, this poem will always be special. To my mom, I was all of those things and most of my life that was the most important thing. Now, that she is gone, I have had to make other things important, but the void will always exist. I will never be the same. Yes, I am healing/grieving, but I am changed, my life has changed.

I'll cherish all the love I had from my parents for as long as I did. Without it now, life is much different and for awhile, much harder.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons

2010-07-19T19:05:00.007-05:00

This past weekend was a full one! I was fortunate enough to have Linda's Hope invited to a Nashville Cancer Community event, hosted and performed by Playing By Air Productions. It was phenomenal. The show was amazing and the guys clearly put a lot of hard work into it: all for the cause of connecting the cancer community! It makes me overjoyed that people like this are in the world. OVERJOYED. I get emotional, like some people do at weddings. I cried, and anyone who has been affected by cancer had to have gotten goosebumps! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making us feel so special and cared about.

"Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance"

I added this lyric to my post because it hit home for me to the one thousandth degree. The last three lines can summarize and un-complicate so much of what I struggle with explaining to those who have not lost a loved one. Or- the closest loved one/ones. Realizing the pain of loss, is something none of us want to have to do, but it's inevitable. It will happen and for me, the two most important people in my life were taken away.

Here is what I have learned to appreciate through these words/lyrics:

1. Death is at your doorstep- literally, someone usually shows up at your door to give you the news. It is not exactly something you say over the phone, unless they are hundreds/thousands miles away. Not only is it literally at your doorstep, but it's at the doorstep of life after you go through the loss. Death is always there. After death happens, it is like you have to take a step on it, through it, over it, etc to get to the door of anything. It is a part of you. Once you experience death, there's no turning back. You are now a person that has experienced something so mysterious and dark that it can be overpowering. It constantly alludes you. It doesn't leave. You have to see it over and over again.

2. And it will steal your innocence - It really does. You know longer talk about death in what ifs and fear of the unknown. Now, you have fear of the known. Your mind is never the same. You see how dangerous things are. You see that life is short. Anything can be taken away from you at any time. ANYONE at any time. It is scary as hell. I don't mean you can't enjoy life, or have fun. In fact, if anything it makes you enjoy moments more. You get it: This is it. You never know when someone, the most important person in your life will die or be dying. Appreciate them.

Your mind opens and you enter another world.

3.But it will not steal your substance- This empowers me. Death does steal a person from you, but it hits you hard with the core of yourself... What your fears, joys, loves, passions, likes, hates, and reality are. You start to ask questions; You seek answers. You want to seek advice from wiser, older people, experienced people and you really LISTEN. The mind is miraculous... Supernatural strength arises at times and deep dark places the other half. These places teach you more about life than I could possibly know how to share. The triggers, nightmares, the memories- I never know when they will come or leave. I am thankful that all of us who have gone through death understand the pain of each other. It would be too overwhelming to do this alone. I am glad that I can reach out to those in need because of my experiences and that they do not have to suffer alone and neither do I. Sometimes, it seems like there is no one who gets it and then I meet someone who is in the same place as me and I realize this is all part of one huge story. Too bad, I am not the writer. JUST KIDDING! That would be terrible.

Scrambled eggs, well, any eggs

2010-07-01T14:28:00.003-05:00

Today, I was searching through the fridge, cabinets, and freezer for something to eat for lunch. I have a lot of miscellaneous items, but nothing that formed a meal instantly. Well, except for eggs. Oh, eggs.

Eggs will always remind me of my sweet mom. During her last months, she ate a scrambled egg every morning with cheese for breakfast. Usually, I would make her egg because the worst part of eating to her, was watching the preparation of the meal. Having cancer, and being on chemo, makes a person easily want to fore go any food. So, having to painfully prepare an egg, she didn't even want to eat was worse than eating it at all. Makes sense, right?

As, I scrambled my two eggs with cheese, I realized how I tried to be sneaky with Mom's eggs. I would always try to add a little more cheese, or possibly add another egg. Everyday I would ask her, "How do you feel about two eggs today?" She would always kindly say, "Not today, thank you, sweetie". As if, maybe tomorrow she'd be up for two eggs. Never was this the case, but I thank God she made me think that it was not a permanent situation.

Then, I began to think, how strange? How strange it was for me to really think an extra egg would save her life. Her weight had gotten so low, that I thought if we could just pack on any extra calories, even 80, from an egg that she may live longer. That could be true, but it wasn't.

When you are battling cancer with a loved one, someone so dear as your mother, I suppose you cling onto any little teeny tiny bit of a hope and if that's an egg for you, keep it going.

One my all time favorite songs.

2010-04-27T19:37:00.000-05:00

"I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God"

-Sara Groves

Wesley, Why? -Matt Wertz

2010-04-16T16:23:00.000-05:00

"It's cold in the living room on Lindenwood
It's quiet around the table tonight
It's half empty in this house
And this half don't know what to do

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

We keep stumblin' through the words to explain it all
We keep searching for the beauty in the dust
We keep telling ourselves
It was your time

Wesley why can't you just be here tonight

The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

We keep waiting for your footsteps at the back door
We keep waiting for the punchline to the joke
We keep shedding these tears
And shouting at the moon

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon

The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts

Wesley why'd you have to leave us so soon"

Approaching the one year mark

2010-03-23T18:28:00.002-05:00

Last year, around this time I was in fear everyday that I would walk into my mother's bedroom and she would no longer be breathing when I checked in on her. She had gotten so sick that she only really wanted to be left alone in her bedroom, mostly in her bed. It hurt her to talk, move or to have anyone touch her.

Also, I can remember that I got sick from some sort of virus and because of the cancer living in my mom's body, I could not get close to her. It killed me that I could possibly make her even more sick. I knew our time together would soon end, but I did not want to be the reason she went faster. I could not hold her, or feed her. I had to stay far away. Paul, my boyfriend helped adminster her pain medicine and Ginny, one my mom's best friends stayed mostly everyday with us near the end. Ginny was my mother's earth angel.

As I started to get a little better, Mom got a lot worse. She had her final doctor's visit on a Monday or Tuesday and a week later she died. Literally, seven days after hospice was ordered by her oncologist, she left us all. That fast.

I will never be able to tell you in words how terrible my mom's battle with cancer was. 11 months later, I still struggle with the haunting images of what it did to her. Throughout those heartbreaking months with Mom, I experienced the human body in ways that I did not know possible- physically, emotionally and spiritually. Having had the experiences, I will not be the same ever again. In fact, right now, I continue to learn from it as I witness life go on like it never happened. As a generalization, people my age have not experienced this pain. I would even say, people at many ages have never experienced the details of what I saw throughout my mother's battle with pancreatic cancer. However, human pain is inevitable. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know just how painful it could be. Trivial things seem to anger me at times and other times that is all I want. Grief will never be understood.

Because of the great need of support that I now desire, I see life in a new way. It is not as safe or comfortable. I am parent-less. I don't feel like someone will always be there. I don't know that someone will always be there, like I did with my mother. A child without a mother is a tragic thing. I think at any age, we feel like a child again when our mother dies.

I know that I will give as much as I can do for those who have experienced tragedy because of the need I know that is there. I thank God that there are others who understand or relate, even if there are only a few. I am thankful for just one.

Please God, give me just one everyday. The days that are lonely and too much to bear, would You be so near.

That I Would Be Good

2010-02-09T13:47:00.000-06:00

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be good

whether with or without you

Have a little Faith

2010-01-31T14:03:00.005-06:00

That's the book I'm beginning to read: Have a little faith

Already, Jesus is pulling my heart strings. I am reading about how we become apathetic to our relationship with God and (our desire to pursue following Jesus- the author is Jewish, but I am making a generalization for Christians). If we are in good health, making money, have relationships- then we are not struggling in the world's eyes. But we are not of this world, so let's try to look up more. A lot more. (1 John 2:15-17, 2 Corinthians 10:3).

The author discusses his life going well, so that he didn't need God. How is it that we can believe that we do not need a Savior? Maybe because our lives are so comfortable. They are so comfortable, that we are separated from all the God blesses us with daily.

I don't want it to take an earthquake in Haiti, or the death of parents, a break-up or cancer. I want it be more than a tragic call on God. I want to call on Him when I don't feel Him the most.

I am angry at the lack of passion we have for our Father. We barely even mention His name (even amoungst our Christian friends). We would rather ponder and talk about our relationships, jobs, stress, etc. The ironic thing about that is- we have a God who wants us to talk to Him about those things, so that we may grow to know His ways...so that we may help others.

All we can do is pray, that we are transformed. I want to be transformed. I want our faith to be radical. I want to see what Christ will do through and in us. May we begin to include Him in our daily conversation. For real.

I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.

Romans 8:31-39

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

This Time of Year...

2009-12-18T14:37:00.002-06:00

I've always heard that statistically December has the highest amount of suicide attempts and deaths. How very sad. The holidays can be a time of joy and a time of relentless sorrow.

I challenge you to reach out to those you come into contact with. I challenge myself to acknowledge that I have no idea what a single person is going through and to treat them like I was madly in love with them.

This week, there have been many tragic deaths in my friends' lives: Murder/suicide, cancer, car accidents, and a fire.

Personally, I am seeing one of the most beautiful people I know go through the loss of her father. After, a long battle with cancer. This death has affected me personally and I feel helpless. I can understand how all of you have felt as I have lost my own parents. I know how deep the pain goes yet, I cannot think of anything that would be enough to show how much pain I feel for my friend. I know God is in control and that I have to believe He will carry us all through.

I beg that you do not take the ones you love for granted and thank God that you are abundantly blessed with people who love you. I am so thankful, even as I miss the best parents in the world (in my eyes, of course).

As I feel for these tragedies this week, I remember that it is these things that make us realize it does not matter how flawed a person is, because we all are. It matters that we love them anyway.

Linda's Hope

2009-12-07T13:53:00.003-06:00

When I decided to move to Nashville, I really didn't know why I was so sure it would be a good move. I just knew it was time for this city. Well, God has revealed that He knew I would meet girls that have become like sisters to me. Girls that would inspire me to be who God created me to be.

Throughout the last five or six months, I have been blessed with girls with a heart to love others. With me, they listened to my needs and concerns, but they do this for everyone. These girls have opened my eyes that there is still hope for all of us. I pray that I can be this to them and to others, as well.

I shared my story with them and continued to be vulnerable with my fears and dreams. Well, they dreamt with me and now, Linda's Hope(To learn more about Linda's Hope, check out: Lindashope.org) is in the works. Can you believe that? They care enough about what I have seen through my Mom's battle with pancreatic cancer that they want to see a change for all of those who have been affected.

I know I am only one teeny tiny life and we are limited to how much we can give, but I know we have a passion to help those in need and right now, personally, I know we can help those battling pancreatic cancer.

I am a 24 year-old orphan. It's tough. The grief from losing my parents in heavy on my spirit and some days, it feels like I shouldn't be here either. The pain I feel from day-to-day is unexplainable. It surprises me constantly with new stabs at my heart. I know there are others that are going through severe loss, like I am. There are people all over the world in need.

Linda's Hope is one dream that can become a reality. I don't want anyone go through the battle alone. I don't want families to feel alone. When my mom was sick, we did not have enough help. We had no clue what we were doing...no experience or education. We just survived to our best ability. I don't think anyone could imagine how my family researched day and night, hoping something, anything would make Mom more comfortable or well.

If you have a passion and dedication to become a part of Linda's Hope, please let me know. I pray everyday that there will be others with a desire to dedicate a part of their life to someone else's.

Don't fake it.

2009-11-14T19:14:00.001-06:00

“Human beings do not readily admit desperation. When they do, the kingdom of heaven draws near.”

-Philip Yancey

A wave of chaos

2009-11-12T13:16:00.003-06:00

Last night I dreamt horrible things about Mom battling Pancreatic Cancer. I have these nightmares every night. They are always different, but sweet Mom is always sick. How disgusting and how unfair!

The peace is that Mom is home in Heaven away from this evil cancer and maybe she can still watch over my brother and me. I guess we won't know that until the day He takes us home. However, Linda's Hope is what I believe we can carry out. I believe my mom would want to see everyone away from cancer, especially this one, as it has taken her mom's life and her own way from her children.

Often, I call out to Mom. Every time I actually do this, I begin to uncontrollably sob. I wonder if the whole apartment complex can hear me. It's the kind of plea for help that is so loud that it can sound like a laughter. The inhales and exhales of short breaths.

Do not think that I have lost my faith or trust in the Lord. I believe if it wasn't for His sweet Holy Spirit, I would have in some way self-destructed. He has saved me.

I have heard and been advised that there is no amount of time that can grant a grief-free life. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Frequently, I see adults tear up as they remember their loved ones that have died. It doesn't leave us and it doesn't define our entire being, but it does change us, making the experience a part of who we are.

There will never be another person like my mom or dad in my life. That is my reality, and others reality that have lost a parent to this disease. Grandparents. Or husbands and wives. Or brother and sisters. Maybe even, children.

The hope is that there are people, like you and me. We have a choice to BE with those in need, HELP those in need, CRY with those in need. We have to hope that there will be an end to this tragedy of hopelessness of those who get diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

I know I am need and I want to make sure I find others who need a heart that is vulnerable enough to sit with them through it all.

Pancreatic Cancer!!!

2009-11-06T13:29:00.003-06:00

Hello all! It is really important if you know anyone affected by Pancreatic Cancer in Nashville(patients, survivors, friends, family, etc) to have them contact me. A group of Nashvillians are trying to help those in need and make a change!!!

Raise the Cure

2009-11-02T23:49:00.004-06:00

You, who do not want to see pancreatic cancer take the life of one more mother, one more father, one more sister or brother, one more friend, one more person who could make a difference in the lives of hundreds of others. You, who see that raising the cure starts with a significant investment in research to better understand the disease, to create better diagnostics and better treatment. You, who can create progress, create

momentum, and create hope.

Cures Don’t just happen—You make Them happen. You Raise The Cure.

There’s hope for pancreatic cancer patients and

It STARTS with You.

November is National Pancreatic Awareness Month

2009-11-02T18:13:00.000-06:00

Grief is lonely.

2009-10-13T13:44:00.003-05:00

Lately, I have been battling emotions left and right. I feel this explosion of anger at times- wanting to scream and hit things(not people, no worries). Then, I just wail for about five minutes. These feelings aren't new. They are familiar. I have had loss pretty steady over my life. Family, affairs, separation, broken relationships, abandonment, and friends, even my dog. It seems like no one understands. No one.

Sometimes, when I get overwhelming anxiety/stress, I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like the kind of anxiety that you would feel before a huge exam or public speaking.

Then, it can feel like the kind when you get news someone close to you is dying or has died. Your heart drops and your chest tightens. Jaw clinched. Dry throat.

Mom is really dead. She is really really gone. I will not see her soon(unless God strikes me down). How is that supposed to make sense? How am I supposed to know life without a constant part of my being?

Every hour of every day, I get these shock emotions. The simplest way I can express it is to tell you that it's similar to when you are in a funk. You know, when you are just in a bad mood for no reason at all? No one likes those days. Well, grief is like that for me. I feel things out of no where and can't put my finger on why. It's hard to be around people beccause they take it personally if I don't want to talk or smile.

Mom has been unreachable for six months. It seems after the first week she was gone, everyone just assumes I'm over it or should be over it. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

Psalm 46

2009-09-20T11:46:00.004-05:00

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

    ⁹ He makes wars cease
       to the ends of the earth.
       He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
       he burns the shields with fire.

    ¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;
       I will be exalted among the nations,
       I will be exalted in the earth."

¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Garden State Quotes

2009-09-16T14:37:00.003-05:00

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.

Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Friday night, what?

2009-08-21T21:02:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am staying in on a Friday night with Buckley by my side. I can't help, but feel the anxiety that I have felt for years. I was unloading the dishwasher and pulled out my mom's mixing bowl to put away and I just thought of how many times I was in the kitchen with her while we baked together. Mostly, around Christmas time. I tried to envision her hands on the bowl with mine. Then, I tried to imagine her face, but could not remember it exactly. I can only see the face in the hospital bed...the haunting one. I see her delicate little body with her bones sticking out from not eating for months and color loss of her usually, vibrant face.

August 12th

2009-08-15T11:20:00.003-05:00

Daddy's birthday is never easy. This year was particularly difficult for my brother and me. It was the first time since Dad's death that he obviously wasn't there, AND neither was Mom. Mom always calls us to make sure we are ok. In the past couple of years, she thought about it beautifully. She wouldn't bring it up, unless we did. She would just make sure to call and offer her cheerful voice to check-in on our day. Sometimes, she was so convincing that I really didn't realize what day it was. Then, I would hang up the phone and look at the calender and sure enough, it was Daddy's birthday.

It's silly how days are so important, but they are. I think it may be designed that way because if there weren't days that made you realize your loss or your gain then maybe you wouldn't think about it enough to actually deal with the emotions. Now, I can think of several holidays/days that are going to always stir my heart: Mom's birthday, Dad's birthday, the day of Dad's accident, the day of Dad's death, the day of Mom's death, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and honestly any other Hallmark day. Holidays make us reflect on life.

Well, God really blessed me on Dad's birthday this year. Although, it was the first without Mom, it was one worth remembering. I shared with some friends what day it was and they were incredibly compassionate. I had someone ask me, "Have you celebrated? How old would your dad be today?"

I had never thought about it like that. He would be 66 years old and yes, I was able to celebrate for the first time in six years.

Paul brought me to downtown Nashville and wanted to surprise me with a plan. So, after several flights of stairs to a beautiful bridge overlooking the city lights and water, he had us sit on a bench, unwrapping a slice of carrot cake from a grocery bag. He placed a candle on the cake, lit it, and we wished my daddy a happy birthday. Words cannot describe the mixed emotions, but I do know that it was incredibly good for my soul and that I am going to start to celebrate his birthday every year from now on.

Mommie, I want to come home.

2009-08-15T10:56:00.005-05:00

Last night, I was organizing my new closet and found a shirt Mom gave me this past Christmas. THIS past Christmas...meaning she could go to the store, walk, talk, exist just eight and a half months ago. Given, she has only been gone for four months, but it seems like forever. I can't stand it sometimes. I am just selfish, ya know? I miss her, so I want her back. I miss her every time my heart beats. It's insane. I have had her everyday since the second I was created and now, nothing.

The healthiest way for me to come to terms with her death is to be comforted that she is no longer suffering. She was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain.

Then again I can't help, but think well, what if she didn't have cancer and she was here? What if I could talk to her everyday again? Hug her? Hold her hand. Rub her little head. Hear her sweet voice. Receive her advice. Cry in her arms.

Nothing can be changed. God has taken her home. He knew it was her time to be out of the suffering. Sometimes, I wonder when it will be mine.

Mom and hopefully, Dad, are now in Heaven. The most perfect place. We can't even imagine it. I just know that if they are with the King of all that is, well than that must be pretty glorious. I cannot imagine the presence of God in such a real way and how loved they must feel. I think of the times when I have been in love, am in love, and how it makes this high in our life that feels invincible. It empowers us. I hope that I can look to the holy and see that I can be empowered by God's promises to my life. I may not be in Heaven, but I would sure rather live with our Father on earth than without. He is the only consistent thing that is guaranteed in our lives. Whether you have lost no one, anything, or you have lost everyone and everything- He is in control. It's not up to you to admit it(although, it is for you to trust He has a plan for your life, more than you do).

He just is and that is my only hope.

Perfect

2009-07-27T16:44:00.001-05:00

Molly sent this to me this morning and it was an answered prayer! I wanted to share it with all of you:

devo:
Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. you are reminded that the road we're traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual presence and the hope of heaven.

Romans 12:12, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.

1 Thessalonians 5:8,But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.

Your Love is Strong

2009-07-16T13:04:00.001-05:00

"Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

Remembering Charlie

2009-06-24T14:52:00.005-05:00

Charlie was a little breath of everything kind.

I know it seems cheesy to put so much hope into the world by the life of a puppy, but Charlie got me through some of the most difficult times. Nothing could make his love for me shake. He was a little angel on earth.

Please don't do this to me

2009-06-23T22:05:00.008-05:00

As I am sitting here anxious, I thought I would blog about what this feels like for me.

I have been battling my anxiety all night, but it has gotten so bad that I had to take medicine to prevent a panic attack (I'm alone, this would not be pretty).

I just took Buckley out to go potty and all I could do was run around the yard. I was thinking that running would release some of these emotions. Then, I just plopped down into a little ball. I stared up into the sky. I felt/feel so anxious that I am not able to sit still. I decided to put my head into my knees, squeezing my arms tightly, praying, "Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me." Gripping for anything real. I was just whispering, begging for the pain and anxiety to leave. I realized that I was talking to God. I was begging for a break. BEGGING. Also, I was wanting to run away and have a whole new life. Obviously, I know this was a fleeting thought, but it seems so appealing.

When my mind and body start to grasp the pain at its fullest, it is then, of course, I long for Mom. I miss her sweet voice, her gentle hands and her loving heart. Tonight, I started to ask her to come visit me. I just wanted her to sit with me as I felt this deep unbearable pain and anxiety. I just wanted to see her. Normally, the idea of a spiritual visit from a loved one isn't welcomed, but at this moment I felt as though I needed her. I kept flashing back to all of the times I screamed and cried in her arms. This time I just did it alone. Mom always told me to never cry alone. I want to believe she was there with me.

"The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her"

2009-06-14T15:45:00.004-05:00

Whew. Where to begin? Life truly is an uphill battle for me. I can try my best to enjoy the climb or let the fear of it steal my joy. The past few months has been the probable answer for me, it's been both. I have been robbed of joy, having moments of utter despair and small glimpes of hope and comfort.

I miss Mom so much that my heart cannot handle the pain. It's almost like my body is realizing that the central part, my heart, has given up, but that the rest of my body has found a new way to operate.

When I look at pictures of my beautiful mother, the despair for her love is so great that I have to stop all together. I have to just breathe. Believe it or not, breathing is difficult. Sometimes, I really do have to concentrate on it intently, so that my shock of the loss of my mom on this earth fades into a corner of my brain for a moment.

Please do not worry about my faith. God is gracious. I know that I will be in His arms, until I can be in Mom's again.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

2009-04-24T13:12:00.004-05:00

Today, I am going through grief packets and they are definitely helpful. However, at the same time I am so disgusted with cancer that I am angry. Really really discouraged about ever finding a cure and then, cancer seems to be more and more common. So what does that mean about our future? I hate to be so pessimistic, but the reality of my situation right now is that cancer surrounds me. It will not go away!

I just visited pancan.org and I am just being honest- I don't have much hope for this cancer. How could I? Mom is dead. Grandma is dead. Every story I have heard is not a hopeful story about the actual disease.

All of these emotions are normal responses to losing someone so close to me. I just wish there was a way to shout how hurt I am! It's such a needy time and although I know God has equipped me and He is my rock- it is not always going to feel like that.

This post is a bunch of rambling, but I wanted you all to know what's going through my mind. I know some of you wonder if I am putting on a smile and I just want you to know that in a safe environment, I am being vulnerable with those who support me.

The main pain I am feeling is that this world is not my home and I want to go home.

Truth always prevails

2009-04-23T14:14:00.001-05:00

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain"

-C.S. Lewis

life after

2009-04-20T14:43:00.002-05:00

Whew. So it's been two weeks without my sweet mom and as you can expect, it has not been easy. I miss her dearly. I dream of her every night. Sadly, most dreams are nightmares having to do with her death- funeral, sickness, life without her. I wish there was a way to control dreams.

Thank you to all of you who came to support our family during this tragic time. We really appreciate all the love and the presence of each one of you at the funeral.

At the burial, we had got unfortunate news that all of our original photos that we submitted for mom's dvd had been destroyed. The carrier was riding a motorcycle and all of our memories flew into the air. Of course, it was a motorcycle. It's funny how numb funeral home directors can become- they offered us a free dvd to try to ease the pain.

Well, my focus right now is to remember mom before she was sick. I want to remember her as she was, not what cancer made her become. It's not that she wasn't a complete doll when she was sick, but she looked sick. She couldn't function as our mother, friend, and teacher.

I am taking some time to get away from the house and hopefully move to Nashville in next couple of months.

She's our angel

2009-04-07T17:57:00.001-05:00

Mom went to Heaven at 9:35 pm, Monday April 6, 2009.

The funeral will be held at Crowell Brothers Funeral Home Thursday at 4pm. Visitation starts at 3pm.

My heart aches

2009-04-05T12:07:00.001-05:00

No cry seems loud enough right now. I am in such pain and shock. Mom was up and walking a week ago. She was talking to me. Now, she is in a coma and is on her death bed. I am sobbing as I update you all. She is just withering away. I really cannot explain to you the sight of her right now. There are words that are sad enough, only tears.

Watching mom sleep.

2009-04-02T03:57:00.009-05:00

"Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

Isaiah 57:1-2

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who hold the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."

Hebrews 2:14-15

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion"

Psalm 103: 1-4

Mom sleeps tonight, but we are unsure she will wake. Tonight has been the worst we have seen her and she has all the warning signs of being near death. Several times, as Ginny and I have checked on her throughout the night, she has seemed to have passed, as her arm is reaching high into the air. I'm choosing to believe her arm is reaching towards Jesus. Ginny told me that the arm into the air is a sign of being near death. However, I am pretty sure we already knew she was anyway with all of her symptoms and actions.

What an angel. I can't wait until she is joyful again. I will miss her so so so much, but I do not want her to suffer like this. Cancer is incredibly cruel and I am saddened to hear about it taking people's lives and the pain they and their families endure in the process.

Mom is on her way to Heaven soon

2009-04-01T11:20:00.004-05:00

Mom will be leaving us soon and a glorious life is ahead of her in Heaven. She will be able to walk, dance, smile, laugh, sing, love, praise....everything wonderful again! I absolutely can't wait until she is happy again. Oh, I just miss her so much. I haven't had her for awhile and it really does stab my heart to think about what a close relationship we shared and that we haven't had that in a long time.

Ginny and mom

We're not doing well.

2009-03-31T10:00:00.006-05:00

This is the hardest thing to go through. I've seen my dad wither away in front of my eyes and now my mother. I don't say that out of bitterness, but out of concern. I know the effects of these images all too well.

I don't want to remember my mom like this, as a dying cancer patient. I want to remember who she really was, what she really looked like, and share her final days with quality time together. I don't want to remember her days of dying, like I do with my dad, but I suppose that it comes along with being here for the two that brought me into this world. I am grateful to have been able to share time with mom, but please pray that these haunting images are not the ones that stay with me forever. I want to remember the woman that was my mother, my closest friend.

Last night, my mom was completely out of it and has no idea what was going on. She is beyond overwhelmed, as you can imagine. Watching her struggle is like being in a nightmare, but I can't wake up. There are no words to explain the emotional challenges of this time. There is no way that I could even try to explain what she looks like, acts like, or the images that I will have of what cancer has done to her sweet mind and body. I am absolutely heartbroken.

I know you all are praying and I can't tell you enough times how thankful I am. Please please please keep praying. I know our Heavenly Father will prevail through all of this darkness. I know He is faithful and good. I just wish that the evilness of this world and enemy would give us just one day of rest, as the Kingdom of God shines so brightly that all these unbearable emotions would turn into love, peace, fellowship and hope.

CT scan results

2009-03-30T11:24:00.002-05:00

Mom's cancer has spread rapidly(all over her stomach, two tumors, lymph nodes), she has a blood clot, and hospice will begin asap. The oncologist has told us there is nothing else he can do. Any sort of treatment he can offer will not be effective at this point. Without chemotherapy, she should begin to feel stronger in the days to come, but his also means the cancer will completely dominate my mom's body quickly.

to come...

2009-03-26T22:06:00.008-05:00

Today, mom got a blood transfusion and her IV fluids (she has gone everyday for these this week). Her attitude has been much better since Tuesday; even though she is still hardly eating and is in a tremendous amount of pain. Right now, we are trying to find a full-time nurse and a care/hospice minister. Also, "Meals on Wheels" is going to start coming by- thank goodness. Tomorrow she goes in for a CT scan and we'll get the results on Monday and discuss them with the oncologist.

He wins.

2009-03-26T21:44:00.005-05:00

Jesus Calling: "Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day, I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties."

The amount of heartache that comes along with watching my mother die is indescribable. You know, I never really thought much about what stress does to your body, or knew what to think about all this subconscious nonsense. Let me just tell you that everything that has ever hurt has resurfaced throughout these last eight to ten months. It has been hellish to the utmost degree. I have been shat on by so many(lesson learned: smile at people. be kind. seriously. you never know what kind of day/week/year/life they are having), despite my circumstances. People that want to cause harm, will cause harm no matter who you are, or what you are going through and that just sucks. At the same time, I have realized how far kindness goes. The train of blessings that comes from one child of God has great victory over all the evil-doers. Please pray for lost. Please pray for the found.

Anyway, going back to all this body and mind craziness- When I dream, I dream terrible things. My mind knows more than I think it does. It takes all of this in and shoves it into nightmares of every fear, weirdness, heartache, etc. It's really strange. Also, my body is constantly freaking out. It just doesn't know how to keep up. It screams for sugar all the time. Sugar is no good later on, but I guess it's better than not eating.

Then, I think about my panic mode- my chest getting tight. Tingles. Aches. Blurred vision. Heart-racing. Whew, it's just intensely scary.

I am realizing that I am angry, hurt and feel alone, BUT I am not alone, ever. AND feeling angry and hurt means nothing. Those are feelings. My circumstances will change those feelings in the days to come. I will have life away from this whirlwind of emotions of despair...I have to hope. I have to trust that this life is not mine and that I have powerful direction from a lovestory that will never be defeated. Jesus wants me to wait for goodness in all things. He wins.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-03-25T15:36:00.004-05:00

Well, here I am: alone and sick with a virus. I have endless things to take care of and I am running low. My chest pain from my panic is driving me crazy. The nurse did not call today and she was supposed to come today. Mom is in and out of the doctor/hospital all week. Days are getting shorter and shorter with her time here. Please pray we have a spiritual leader guide us!!! We can't do this alone.

up up up

2009-03-11T23:12:00.007-05:00

Mom is in an insane amount of pain tonight. She is not feeling well AT ALL and if mom says that, we know it's serious. She has been crying and cries even harder when she knows she has to eat. Please pray for her sweet spirit- it needs some lifting, ok actually a lot of lifting!

One of my very favorite pictures

2009-03-04T17:23:00.002-06:00

Update

2009-03-04T16:40:00.008-06:00

Mom had her oncologist appointment yesterday for a more current update. Turns out, the doctor wants her on chemo for nine weeks and then have a follow-up CT scan, so we can know is if it is or isn't helping stabilize or kill the cancer. Either she should stop all treatment or continue for the remainder of her life to keep the cancer more controlled.

I took this as good news, in a way. At least the doctor believes she has nine weeks left in her. However, also bad news because he is in fear of the cancer taking over completely during this time without the chemo, as it has already spread and effected her intensely in a short amount of time.

Also, her lab results from her blood work showed a low red blood cell count, so they gave her a shot for that.

Overall, the goal of the appointment was to get some pain medicine issues resolved and now mom has started a new medicine. We're hoping her pain lessens soon because I think the pain above all is the most difficult thing for mom to cope with. She hates not being able to leave her bed and we hate seeing her suffer.

As always, please pray for weight gain (she has continued to drop the pounds), peace, hope, love, support, positivity, and relief from some of this pain: physically and emotionally. Please pray for our family and friends. As imaginable, we are really taking this hard and need supernatural strength. Thank you so much.

Little love bug.

2009-02-27T09:07:00.004-06:00

As all of you know, my depression has not been easy to cope with, but I wanted to share that I have a bit of happiness from Charlie, my sweet dog! I have had to let him go on and off since August, so that he could be taken care by a loving family. I was so blessed with an incredible family that took him in as one of their own! They said I could have him back whenever I was ready and I feel like I am ready. I can't believe how much this little guy has lifted my spirits today and the love he gives me!

Mom has been in bed most of this week. It is challenging to see her start to get worse, as the days pass. I will have more to share on Tuesday, after another appointment.

Best thing mom could say

2009-02-25T23:18:00.004-06:00

"Mom, what are you thinking? How are you feeling?"
-Me

"You know, I just really know God loves me."

-Mom

Quick Prayer Request

2009-02-21T10:21:00.003-06:00

Hi loves,

Mom is feeling really dizzy today. She could not sit up or get up for hours without feeling like she was going to fall over. She is worried she is going to pass out, which of course freaks me out! Please pray for the dizziness to leave her. Thank you!

Slow Motion

2009-02-18T15:34:00.004-06:00

This song is one of the few songs that I listen to that really hits home for me. It relates to all the emotions of death: the death of my dad and watching my mom whither away...all the hospital visits, the feelings, everything...

You've got to listen to it! I think anyone can see how emotional the tune is, but if I could write a song for watching a loved one leave, this would be it: "Slow Motion" by David Gray

I'm feelin it

2009-02-16T10:31:00.008-06:00

I've been feeling pretty excited today. I am seeing gifts that God has given me, to glorify Him in what I want to do and that brings me such joy! I feel empowered by the holy spirit and it brings me everything good...that peace I've been craving.

So, a couple of cool things. First, last night I just started writing and it felt so good! It wasn't just because it was a way of therapy. I was motivated and alive- I felt like myself. I felt like I was back in the arms of our Creator...finally. It was my first spark in awhile that I felt the joy of being connected and in a relationship with Him. I always focus on what I know to be true about the Lord from past experiences, but I have been longing for his presence in a relational sense.

Lately, I feel everything too much in facing the doctor's sentence of mom's time left with us. It is a glimpse of the reality I faced with my dad's death (and still do) and because of those intense feelings, I often don't feel much other than the emotions of fear that come from the aftermath of tragedy.

It is a blessed moment to have time when you feel completely content in your own skin, even if it is just for a matter of minutes. Those minutes are enough to remind you how wonderful He is. What I mean is that in that brief moment of clarity, I was able to know God has this life of mine. He has a grip way stronger than I do and I know that at the end of it all there is a better place. There is a better life for me here and there is better world in His Kingdom. Most importantly, there is certainly a better life awaiting mom! I must remember to focus my eyes upward.

Secondly, I have been reading two books: The Last Lecture and My Utmost for His Highest(YAY Shelley). Praise God for the way I have been able to actually pick up a book and read! That time doesn't come to be often. Anyway, The Last Lecture has blessed mom and me in incredible ways and I think there is not a person who could read the book and not have their eyes opened to hope!

My Utmost for His Highest's subject was: "The Inspiration of Spiritual Initiative". God speaks to us, inspires us, we hear and then we take initiative.

He can't make us do a thing. We have to reach out our hand.

Peace, are you there?

2009-02-11T20:58:00.006-06:00

Vulnerability, here it goes...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”-C.S. Lewis

Turns out, I have been grieving: Dad's death, loss of relationships, a friend's death, and now mom's suffering through terminal cancer.

I have days where I have hope for my future- that I am sure of better days. Then, I have days where I just really want to escape everything...It hurts so deeply.

I have always struggled with depression. My dad asked me when I was about 13 if I was depressed and I remember not really knowing what that meant- Now, I know. I can't get out bed some days. Physically, my legs don't allow me to walk. Some days when I do get out of bed, I can hardly climb stairs. Also, all of my life I have LOVED to sleep because that makes the day shorter and when times are hard, that is the best thing ever! Well, now I don't sleep well because I am sooooooo overly stressed. I've tried it all- extreme exercise, going out with friends, bible study, etc

Pick up a hobby? Tried that. Let me just say that when you are depressed- you cannot concentrate. I can't even read a book 6 out of 7 days of the week. I just can't. I think it's a big deal to take a walk, which has not been happening, but a couple times a week IF that. I am struggling.

Serve and love on others? Well, I'm a full-time caretaker for mom and I am crappy at best because I'm so weak.

I have taken the steps to get help in every medical way and I am still suffering from this disease. I want to be well, not only for myself, but for mom. I want to do better than I am doing. I beat myself up a lot of what I'm not doing.

Please pray for peace and for these HEAVY, dark, and sad thoughts to give a break. I feel terrible. I have nightmares about dad, mom and whatever else. Please pray for angels to protect me from this battle...have them lift and fight and for me to be healed!!!

The reality is I am in an enormous amount of fear. I have no grandparents and I'm about to have no parents. I have extremely distant relatives and a few family friends, but they have THEIR family. I get uncontrollably upset when I think of the loss of the unconditional love in my life. It may be easy to think that God gives us that love...but the reality is hitting that He will be it all. The body of Christ is tangible and that is where I am putting my hope when I am so far down that I cannot reach for the Lord. I know He hears and knows me and will provide. However, I don't want to lose again and again. I need consistency and stability. The security of the love that comes from parents will be gone and that loss brings unimaginable pain to my heart and body. I know my spirit is fighting, but this is a battle that needs to end. I need to know that God's love will not leave...He will not forsake me. I need to believe this whole-heartily and trust me, it's a lot easier to believe when you feel blessed with people who love you.

MD Anderson Results

2009-02-05T21:40:00.006-06:00

Mom's tumor has grown and she has formed another in her abdomen. No operations are possible. More to come soon...

I just wanted to make sure that those of you that are faithfully praying can continue to fight for strength and hope during this seemingly doubtful time.

Based on the doctor's guessing, she has 4-6 months.

Discouraged

2009-01-29T17:22:00.009-06:00

I have been doing a lot of talking, reading, and searching about pancreatic cancer over the past month and it breaks my heart to see that I have not read any success stories. Everyone dies and usually pretty quickly after diagnosed. How sad is that? Even if someone is a candidate for the Whipple procedure, the surgery is high-risk and you have an 85% of getting the cancer again. It blows my mind. This cancer is cruel. All cancer is cruel, but at least we are making strides in some forms of it. However, pancreatic cancer research is the lowest amount of spending of the cancers.

Also, mom has found out more and more that people know she is very sick and is upset that it wasn't kept private within her social group. I know some of you are her friends, co-workers, etc reading this now and please respect her wishes to not spread the news like crazy. I don't understand why she wants it to be a secret, because we all need support, but then again, I've always been more open. Mainly, this website is for my friends to pray alongside me. The truth is, I have to face the reality that mom is not going to defeat this cancer. I don't know how long she has. She is going to MD Anderson next week and we will know more. I'm dreading the whole "three months", "a year", etc sentence. She will either live with it for awhile or not so long.

God is in the business of miracles( Thanks Linds) and let's just pray for one! And if He takes her home, please just keep our family and mother in your prayers. The idea and pain of losing your mother and be parent-less is unbearable, but life will go on...

For now, please pray that her pain subsides. It has been constant since her surgery, but I have hopes that she will have good days again without pain.

Prayers ANSWERED!

2009-01-26T21:50:00.003-06:00

Mom had an incredible day today. She took a shower, made her own breakfast, actually stepped outside, and is sleeping upstairs in her own bed!

She was optimistic today and I really can't express how that affects all of us who love her! I know it will make her fight way way way harder! I'm so impressed by her attitude!

Also, just a sweet story: Apparently, over Thanksgiving break I had mentioned that I never thought she'd be able to bake my brother's and I's favorite cake- a Texas Sheet cake again( I don't remember saying this, but I'm guessing I did, so that I could learn her recipe and make one in the future). Well, for graduation she wanted to be sure I had it, so she made one, but as we all know she got violently ill right after my ceremony and was in the hospital etc. Today, she reminded me that I had told her about the cake over Thanksgiving and that she had made it right before her trip to Auburn! We were not able to have it when we got back because she was so sick. Before the hospital in December when she was home, she froze it and today she brought it out! I know this all seems silly, but I can't even believe she remembered the cake, could make it and brought it out today! It made her so happy to see me eating it. Sweet mom.

Oncologist Appointment

2009-01-13T10:16:00.002-06:00

I took mom to her doctor this morning. As always, she was told to intake more calories, or she will not be able to fight anything. Also, we found out she has a hernia. Her cancer is causing her a lot of pain these days, on top of the recovery from her surgery. I can't imagine having all of those things going on in my body! She is such a strong woman.

We found out her fever is caused by the tumor, or from the inflammation of the surgery.

The doctor has put her back on one of her chemotherapy drugs because he is worried mostly about the cancer. I took that as good news- that she is "well" enough to be on such a strong prescription. She is still not able to be on her I.V. chemo treatments, but I am just glad she can be on one! We do not want this cancer spreading anymore!

Overall, he did not say anything black and white. Cancer leaves room for a lot of gray area.

Please continue to pray that mom will have an appetite(we are also starting her on a drug that will help her to gain an appetite) and will gain strength to heal as quickly as possible from this surgery. Also, for the cancer to just leave her alone! Pray for her pain to be relieved.

So thankful for the support. I really could not do this without all of you. Much Love.

The Last Lecture

2009-01-10T18:50:00.005-06:00

If you have some time, check this out:

The Last Lecture: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Actually, the first time I watched this, it was before I knew my mom had cancer and it opened my eyes.

Well, there has been more hype about pancreatic cancer now that Patrick Swayze had the special with Barbara Walters. pancan.org Just the commercial advertising it stated: "Pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest forms in the U.S. Just 20 percent of those who are diagnosed are still alive a year later".

Mom is dying and I really struggle watching her suffer like she is. I know most of you would say spend all the time you can with her, but it isn't her. She isn't really all there. It's the saddest thing. I miss talking with her about every little thing.

Apparently, during the special with Swayze, he quoted the expression, " you better get busy living, or you'll be busy dying". My brother shared that with me and some of us are just busy dying.

I couldn't bring myself to watch the special. I don't like hearing all the statistics of the success rates of this cancer, because they are painfully low and I like to think that maybe I'll be surprised by mom. Every case is different. Cancer is cancer, and people are people and we know they go hand in hand these days and let's just hope we can be as mysterious as the cancer, so we can defeat it! We can give up or we can fight and I'd really like prayers for mom to fight...and i don't just mean to have a beating heart, but to have a life, to enjoy it.

Sometimes caffeine just isn't enough...

2009-01-08T14:23:00.002-06:00

Well, being a mom is not easy! I guess everyone knows that. That's why I often wonder if I really want to be one. I know the rewards outweigh the costs, but I'm definitely no where close to feeling ready. Thank God, right?

Today, mom is really sick. Her fever is high, it's been up and down between 99 and 103. I wonder why? We don't know and of course, she does not want me to call the doctor. Frustrating.

I'm just exhausted- cooking, cleaning, laundry, waiting-on her full-time. Maybe I'll get into shape?

Re-cap

2009-01-06T12:26:00.005-06:00

Many have asked for an update since my last week of school:

I graduated Friday, 12/19 and that same night mom got very ill. Mike and Lisa were driving with her back to Alpharetta when she began to scream in pain and vomiting. She refused to go to the hospital and went about four days without eating anything but an applesauce(50 calories). Honestly, she looked deathly ill and I have never been so scared for her life.

Finally, on Tuesday she had an appointment with her oncologist, who had her rushed for an immediate CAT scan. The results were that she had a blockage, and all other medical terminology that basically boils down to the fact that once she was emitted to the ER, she went into surgery. During surgery, the doctor found that her colin, which is similar to a garden hose, had kinked, ruptured, causing a hole in her colin. Everything she was eating and drinking was filling her body, instead of exiting(she was septic). I really can't believe we finally got her to go to the hospital. She was so stubborn about it and I was terrified, for those three nights that she would not wake.

She was in the hospital 23rd through the 31st. Now, she is at home in a hospital bed. She is recovering from this and she had a 50% chance of infection, well it happened and another chance of retaining all fluids, which has also happened. haha(you just have to laugh at this point- the same day I fainted, found out someone else's mom has cancer, my aunt was in the ER, and my brother was very sick) BUT the doctor was extremely positive today. All of her vital signs were ok and so hopefully she is on her way back to being well enough to not have 24-hour care, and a nurse coming twice a day.

Whew, I guess I can't really recap everything, but that is the brief version of the setback.

Doctor Appointment and I'm a semi-nurse

2009-01-06T12:17:00.002-06:00

Mom saw her surgeon this morning and good news: no lung infection.

She is just having some complications with the surgery and it will take awhile for her recovery. I hope that she will be well enough to begin chemo again in about a month. Please pray that the cancer does not spread while she does not have the medicine in her system!

It's been interesting having reversed roles: mother-daughter becoming daughter-mother. I have only had to make frozen meals, mac and cheese, eggs, pizza and the easy stuff while baby-sitting. AND let's be honest, for myself, I usually do the same, but throw in a ton of peanut butter and Kashi products and you have my diet. So, this time of cooking, cleaning, waiting on, bills, counting nutritional info, medication scheduling, etc has been quite the adjustment! I don't feel trained! haha Those of you who know me well, know that I like to jump into things anyway, so here I am! I'm not going to sugar-coat anything- I am really not enjoying this hold period of my life: the uncertainty of when I can have my own job, where I can go and if mom will ever be well again.

Much Love.

How is mom?

2009-01-05T14:46:00.003-06:00

She is not recovering perfectly well from surgery: a lot of pain, no energy, infection, on and off fever. She is at home with me, but is in a hospital bed and a nurse comes twice a day. She is by no means able to take care of herself on her own. This whole fiasco has caused at least six weeks without chemotherapy. The chances of the cancer spreading are much higher and we have no idea when she will be back on her feet. Also, because she occasionally runs a high fever, the doctor is concerned that something is wrong with her lungs.

Her body has just been through hell. Surgeries, medications, lack of food and water. I just feel for her. It is sad to see her in this state and those of you who have gone through this, know exactly what we're feeling. There is nothing like it. Cancer is taking over!!! I hope that cancer is like madcow disease or the flu and that we will be able to look back and have a vaccine, but I just don't understand how we all have someone going through it. WHAT is it? A friend of mine said, that it is just proof of the broken world we live in. Well, that really breaks my heart.

How mommie can survive:
Please pray:
She needs to have 1200 calories a day and is used to having around 500 since she began chemo.
Her infection can clear.
She can get back on chemo.
She can function, as normally as she was pre-colin rupturing.
Anything and everything- emotionally, physically, spiritually

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

2009-01-05T14:28:00.003-06:00

Holidays are always difficult to predict. Some families can't wait to get together, some don't have a family and some dread the whole idea of the season.

It really is insane how much happens when the holidays arrive. About 5 years ago, I was going through losing my dad during winter break and now I almost lost my mom. It hits you hard. There is no avoiding the painful loss of not having my dad around for the holidays and seeing my mom sick, as cancer complications take over.

I spent Christmas day with my mom, Mike and Lisa at the hospital, as my mom was awaiting a blood transfusion, because her white blood count was so low. On the 23rd, she was emitted to the ER and we found out that her colin had ruptured. She went into immediate surgery and made it through, thank the Lord. That was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. We all were not doing well. Mike and I were in panic mode and got very sick.

I HATE going to hospitals. HATE it. I praise God for all the nurses and doctors! My DNA freaks out in those places. I know I have never liked the idea of illness, blood etc, but mostly I can't handle the idea of seeing another loved one in such an amount of suffering. Oh, it just kills my core.

I could ramble about so much...these last weeks have been an overload of pain and suffering. As much as I hurt, and those around me are broken-hearted, I see how God is testing my faith.

If I worry- I have a faith issue. I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth of what life on the earth is really about. I refuse to lose my soul. So much of me wants to find satisfaction in the world when I am weak, and that is when I know God has mercy on me because I am seeing how truly imperfect, broken and torn I am(not that I haven't known this all along).

I'm trusting God for tomorrow.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:26-27

super duper fast update

2008-12-21T17:21:00.002-06:00

Mom has taken a turn for the worse! She has only eaten an apple sauce in two and a half days after throwing up for hours on Friday. She is barely drinking enough to keep going. She is beginning to be stubborn and has not let us take her to the hospital.

She is as little as it gets. Please pray for strength and hope. Also, please pray for her pain to leave her and that she will somehow become hydrated. We are all very concerned.

There's much more...but just needed prayers asap!!!!

LOVE!!!!

Awakening

2008-12-04T21:34:00.002-06:00

Dress down your pretty faith. Give me something real.

Leave out the thee and thou and speak to me now.

Speak to my pain and confusion.

Speak through my fears and my pride.

Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside.

I know that I am not perfect, but compare me to most,

in a world of hurt and a world of anger I think I'm holding my own.

And I know you said there is more to life.

And I know I am not satisfied.

But there are mornings I wake up and I'm just thankful to be alive.

I've known now, for quite awhile, that I am not whole.

I've remembered the body and the mind,

But dissected my soul.

Now something inside is awakening,

Like a dream I once had and forgot.

And it's something I'm scared of

And something I don't want to stop.

And I woke up this morning and realized that Jesus is not a portrait,

Where stained glass windows or hymns or the tradition that surrounds us.

And I thought it would be hard to believe in

But it's not hard at all.

To believe I've sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

And He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom

He's asking to take my place.

To stand in the gap that I have formed

With His real, and His sweet, and His real amazing grace.

And it's not just a sign or a sacrament.

It's not just a metaphor for love.

The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of your faith.

So leave out the thee and thou and speak now.

-Sara Groves

You can fall at any level

2008-12-02T19:57:00.009-06:00

"I will be to you whatever you need to accomplish My will"

I have been reading The Final Quest- thanks Bethany for sharing that with months and months ago! It's really interesting. It's about a spiritual battle: actual war between good and evil. The metaphors that the author uses amaze me.

Particularly, I think it's important to learn, "when you think you are the least vulnerable to falling is in fact when you are the most vulnerable. Most men fall immediately after a great victory".

I think the main reason for falling is that we insist of having control when we can power through our victories. We must remember that it is necessary to fight for humility at all costs. It's not ever us...it's always Him anyway. If it is us, He knows our motives.

Update: my mom is having a hard time. Please pray for her strength, mentally and emotionally, and physically. Chemo takes an enormous toll on your body and mind in every way. I'm not complaining too much though, it could be the miracle drug. I say drug, but my sweet mom is on three, which is unusual and challenging.

As far as my health issues are going- My pain is getting better from my cysts and the other scare, must just have been a scare, because I haven't heard otherwise.

I'm thankful for my friends and of course, my boyfriend. I really have been blessed these lasts months with a family of people that I never have experienced before. Mostly, I am going through the transition of graduating and many new and exciting things coming my way(we all do). I have faith that the Father will be to me, whatever it is I need during it all(this is a promise to all of us). He knows my heart and He's not going to let me go. His love is everything. I need to grow in loving Him. Don't let anything make you believe that His grace and love is not sufficient. It is and always will be.

Home Sweet Home

2008-11-09T10:48:00.011-06:00

"My grace is suffient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I have spent this weekend with my mom in Alpharetta. It is gorgeous here! The Fall leaves, trees, the weather... it is healing and comforting. I know God is near. I'm always thankful to have days where there is no way you could exist without knowing the beauty and power of the Lord. It's overwhelming.

My mom is a little grumpy today. I can tell she is sick of taking all the medications and the limitations that they put on her body. She hasn't felt well the last few days and is disappointed that I have to see her on her "off" days. BUT-I can see Christ working through her and it amazes me. She is dedicated to seeking hope and comfort, but she has years of anxiety to defeat.

We both have been sick this week, so it's not the way we would like to picture our time together, but that's what hope is for. I wish I could do more for her.

I have my medical exam on Thursday and I'm starting to panic about it. It's not an easy procedure to endure. I wish this week would come and go, and I hate wishing time away. I have tons and tons to do before graduation, but I'm trying my best to keep up with it all. It really is a battle to be going through health issues myself, during the most trying times. I wish I could go somewhere completely new and exciting....meet and serve people. That is where my heart needs to be. For now, I'll just keep on doing what I can. I feel like I am trapped in this holding period and I'm ready to move forward! I guess that means I want to escape, which is impossible because my circumstances are the same no matter where I go. I need to open my eyes to where I am now and later, I will see what our sovereign God has been planning for my life. I know there is more than this.

"Great peace have those who love Your law. And nothing causes them to stumble."

-Psalm 119:165

Results

2008-11-05T20:47:00.002-06:00

My mom's check-up results: They could have been worse and they could have been better, but I will take them!

My mom's tumor has remained the same size, which is good that it has not grown, but it needs to shrink, in order for the surgery to take place. Also, the spot on her liver and abdomen wall seems to have left. YAY! She may have a spot on her ovary, or it could be a cyst.

She will have another check-up in January to see the results from the continuing chemo treatments, as well as, they have added a new drug to the mix. Please keep praying! We have to have hope!

Thank you all for the prayers. I know that they helped get rid of those spots!

Love.

It's a lot, right?

2008-10-26T22:28:00.008-05:00

Since my mom has begun chemo, we have had no results on her progress. She is flying out to MD Anderson this week for tests and results. Please pray that the chemotherapy has and continues to perform miracles!!!! We are hoping that the chemo shrinks and limits her cancer enough, so that she can have the only procedure that has the potential to cure her.

Talking to her today blessed my life in immeasurable ways! She is incredible. I really can't imagine life without her. A part of me does not want the answers, so it's a good thing I don't have them!

"Call on me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"

-Jeremiah 33:3

On my side of things, medically, emotionally and physically, I am still at my limit. I just want to be accepted where I am, but doesn't everyone? I have really been learning and growing a lot in every aspect of my life. It's frustrating at times because I feel like my faith could be pursued more, because we can all give more and more to the man upstairs. I begin to think in that way and I tend realize it's because of guilt and shame, not conviction. Conviction is sweet. It is clear and rewarding. Don't get me wrong, I have lots I could repent about and mistakes that have been made. Thank God for grace and for the Truth I have gained through my mistakes. Jesus died so that all of these loads can be lifted off my heavy heart. It's time to start believing that.

I have faith in a God that delivers.

I also have fears. I question how much I am really giving to the Father when I fear the uncertainty of my future. He has really taught me to just let it go and then actually really let it go. GIVE IT TO HIM. How can he deliver, when I have a grip on it all so tightly? Yes, He promises, but what is it that we are asking Him to promise? Are we even asking?

Health update: My test results have come back indicating further medical procedures. It'd be amazing if you all could say a little something something for me too. I'd like to think it's all a fluke at the doc's office.

Oh and one of my best friends had a ct scan because all of her blood work is off, so her too. We could all use a little more prayer.

Medical issues

2008-10-23T13:43:00.002-05:00

I'm having some medical issues again. All related to the tests that have been done and getting results....which leads to more testing.

Two become one.

2008-10-21T22:34:00.006-05:00

Relationships are such a blessing and they should be sacred. They should be honored. Privacy should be honored and above all, love should be honored. It seems like an easy concept, but it's easy to get wrapped up in sharing what is meant to be between two, so that they can become one, not so they become ten, twenty or a hundred.

Hallelujah!

2008-10-14T10:48:00.001-05:00

My mom is getting her chemo treatment right now and has gained three pounds! This may not seem like much, but every single ounce matters during this process!

PAIN!!!!

2008-10-09T13:40:00.005-05:00

Well, I have been to the emergency room and now, I am waiting for another doctor's appointment.

I have ovarian cysts(common, but they can cause serious health issues, depending on many things) that are causing the major pain and I'll know more tomorrow, to see if I have to have surgery.

Please pray that the pain LEAVES!!!

And of course, for Mommie.

much love.

Give me a break.

2008-10-06T14:14:00.004-05:00

These past months of my life seem completely cruel at times- like right now.

I'm trying to graduate and some of my professors are just heartless. I have told them about my situation, and still, no easing up. It's not like I am missing assignments or tests.

I know I chose to finish up school with all that's going on and I know it was good decision.

Today I've had a lot hit me. I have been sick for about a month, but these last two weeks have been hellish. I have stomach pain hitting me hard! I've been to the doctor three times and have at least three more visits before they can tell me exactly what is going on. The doctor gave me three possible options: I have a mass/cyst, fibroid tumor on my uterus, or I have a disease called interstitial cystitis.

I think I'm just severely annoyed. I have two tests and two papers this week and I'm supposed to have perfect attendance.

I am not done venting, but I think I'm going to stop there. My pain is so intense in my stomach and back! Please pray(I feel out of fuel)...I guess that goes without asking. Thankful for all of you. LOVE YOU!

This pretty much sums it up...

2008-10-02T12:28:00.006-05:00

"The bigger the dream, The rougher the ride

The truer the love, The deeper the ache

The blinder the faith, The tougher the go

The higher the reach, The further the sky

The more miles you walk, The longer the road

The steeper you climb, The harder you stand to fall

The stronger you get, The heavier the load"

-Gabe Dixon

I don't know what I'd do without music. It hits me hard. At times, I feel like no one understands anything I feel or I really don't understand how I am feeling and then I listen to a song and it changes everything. I'm no longer alone.

Clarity

2008-09-29T21:50:00.005-05:00

Clarity is one of the most difficult things to gain, and it changes from day to day. Today, I feel like I have some of it, and I just pray that it doesn't go away by tomorrow. I have been in this cloud, floating in it, just living. Sometimes, with all that is going on, it's all I can do to take one day at a time. Thank God for each day. I want to live for Him though, you know? It's not enough to just be thankful,-that's just a start. I don't want to just be here. I don't want my days to be meaningless. I have Christ to share and I wonder how that can slip away like it does. My faith never does, but sometimes I have no discernment and still act, but I need to be patient and as a friend told me, I need dive into blind faith. I need to just do what is true, whether I believe it or not- today or tomorrow. The truth is that I make choices everyday and they won't always be the best decisions, but sometimes I'll know that there is a better decision to be made for the glory of the Lord and the joy He longs to give little me.

"Well, it brings out flavor

Like You bring out color in life

Unfortunately high

Ironically dissatisfied

I miss you

I had a fleeting thought this morning

And I mentioned You today

It breaks my heart just to know You in part

And not to be with You where You are

Oh, I miss you so

The feel forever

Oh, that taste I know

it hurts to remember"

I think about my mom and what she endures everyday as she opens 20 different bottles of medicines to help her fight cancer. Then, I think about how she doesn't have a husband(I think about this a lot because so many people at my age are fearful of never finding anyone. And to be honest with you, personally, I think I am more fearful of finding someone and losing them.), but she has two children. I hope she knows how much we love her because I don't want to imagine how alone she feels.

She has her chemo treatment in the morning and I wonder how she sits there for five hours, facing the reality of what is in her body, trying to kill her. She has to be scared. I want to pray as much as possible for her to be guarded from fear. Please pray with me.

Prayer for mom and mike.

2008-09-22T11:02:00.006-05:00

I'm so thankful for these two! My brother and mom may be mostly all the family I have, but we stick together.

Please pray for them today:

"Never fear that God is not at work while you wait. He's doing what no one else can."

Isaiah 64:4

2008-09-21T17:44:00.004-05:00

"Don't know how else to say it

Don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away

From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train

I wanna get off

And go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't

But honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

-John Mayer

Be here now, here now

2008-09-17T21:29:00.003-05:00

"Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Don't lose faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

Cause walls will crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now"

Ray LaMontagne

Skinny Mini!

2008-09-13T12:44:00.003-05:00

Oh dear. Mom has dramatically dropped her weight. It's definitely a struggle to see her in this state. She absolutely does not want to eat a thing. I try to tell her that it is key for her survival and she looks at me with panic and fear in her eyes. I can feel her anxiety jump across and enter into my body. We have all researched foods to help her gain weight, but she is having such a difficult time! It makes her tear up to talk about eating. When people say that chemo (by the way: can you imagine getting these treatments every week for five hours at a time?! ughhh) makes food your enemy, they certainly are not fibbing. On top of the mad amounts of medicine she is digesting, her cancer is of her digestive system, so it's terribly painful. I can't believe she is enduring all of this. The reality of this disease and her state seems like it cannot possibly be real. I really feel like I am in a nightmare and that I'll wake up at anytime now...

2008-09-08T15:22:00.005-05:00

You all have been so good to me! I wish I could write each of you a letter of how much you have encouraged and inspired me throughout this time. I hope that I will be able to soon! Words just aren't enough.

My mom is in pain now that she has started chemo. She doesn't feel like herself and isn't eating near enough(as expected). Please pray that she finds some foods that are appealing to her. Food is the key for life. Her attitude has been struggling because she has no energy and feels sick most of the time. It's really hard not to be by her side all the time!

I was supposed to see her this weekend, but got sick and didn't want to threaten her with getting sick, since her immune system is incredibly weak right now. I really hope to see her this coming weekend!

I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up in life. I have really messed up on finances, school is beating me up, I've been sick, I don't sleep enough, I'm eating like crap, I am not working-out, and those of you who know me really well can confess that obviously I have been thrown off my, "i am in control" pedestal. The best part of it all is that I LOVE IT. I actually know who I am right now. I don't feel like I have to answer to all the enemy's questions because I know I am not capable of being in control of anything!

I guess that sounds strange( I am sure some of you have been worried about me lately), but God is incredible and I'll never lose sight of that. I feel his love daily and he has given me blessings that are immeasurable. I have some really down moments, but he shows me everyday that something way bigger than me is coming out of all of this. Without suffering, you don't learn what life is really about. I don't wish suffering upon anyone, but I don't think I've ever dreamt so much. It's the first time I can say that I just really have let go of caring about what anyone thinks they know about me. A lot of people love me and a lot of people don't and that's ok! I'm just so thankful for those who do.

I love you all. Thank you for supporting me in letting go of those who do not. This is good.

Tough Day

2008-09-02T13:28:00.004-05:00

It's funny how much you can remove yourself from situations you are going through, but I know that you must in order to get through it all at times. It's good to breathe in life away from the darkness.

I haven't been around my mom as much lately because of school, so it's sometimes easier to block out the reality of what's going on for my mind and body's survival.

Today is one of those days that I cannot block it out because I must be praying for her and ask all of you to pray, as well. She is really scared and I feel sick to my stomach.

Chemo just isn't a fun word to have to say or think about. Chemo means cancer and we all know cancer kills those we love all the time.

Everyday I get asked what I'm going to do in December when I graduate. That's hard because I am trying to just live day-to-day right now. Maybe I should change that, but it's all I can do for today. I don't know where my mom will be and if she needs me, I need to be there.

It's crazy to think about all the dreams I have and how life doesn't line up with them right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm living it up, but things happen, and your dreams don't seem as important as love. I hope I can give my mom a taste of the love she has given me.

Thank you all for your support. I know you'll be praying! Much Love.

Chemo update

2008-08-26T16:15:00.003-05:00

My mom starts chemo on Tuesday! This is much earlier than expected post-surgery. Pray that the medicine performs miracles!

My mom went to Houston today...

2008-08-21T20:47:00.003-05:00

She went to MD Anderson for the day and found out that she can start chemo in about a month, which is at least a month sooner than expected! Praise God! Please pray that the chemo gets rid of the spot on her liver and abdomen wall and shrinks the tumor in her pancreas, so that she can be a candidate for the Wipple procedure. Thank you all for praying with my family.

Worth it All

2008-08-19T17:22:00.002-05:00

I don't understand Your ways

Oh but I will give You my song

Give You all my praise

You hold on to all my pain

With it You are pulling me closer

And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

Is all that I need

I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

You're gonna be worth it

You're gonna be worth it all

I believe this

-Rita Springer

Thanks, Shelley!

He said let it go

2008-08-15T16:19:00.007-05:00

My life truly has been stripped from any sort of comfort. Everywhere I seek it, it fails. The only comfort that I receive is from God's amazing grace.

What I can't stand about myself, is that often I believe I take advantage of His grace. Then, I realize that the only way that could be true is if Satan has a stronghold over me: guilt.

Jesus came to take me away from the pain of guilt. Guilt is not of the Lord. Holiness is of the Lord. The power of the Holy Spirit comes and warns you of evil and then even when you fall, He says, "I'm here to catch you. Let me love you." I pray to be like this, like Christ.

For the past six years, I have learned that there is no where I can run to escape the pain of tragedy or of my sins. I am still haunted by those memories because things trigger the past daily. Every second, I could slip into darkness, and I do more than I want to, but I also know that every second I will praise His name for ALL that He has done in my little bitty life.

I will never be satisfied by this world, or with people(at least not all the time, we all know I love me some human interaction) and that has to be why I can't find the comfort that I long for, because I am looking in a world that cannot offer me the grace and love of God. I must look up.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." -1 John 4:4

I have an unbelievable amount of peace from just being alone with Him. I cannot imagine life right now without Him granting me His ways.

I promise this to you: if there is one thing I wish and pray all human beings would understand is that you must lose control and know that you are not in control. You must give it to Him, because He has it anyway. There is nothing you can do or say to change life or death matters, or sometimes how people act or feel when they make decisions that hurt you and themselves. We would all live a life of peace if we really would just surrender our burdens to him-to let go and really mean it. We would all be free! Give them to him and he will satisfy. I have had so much joy through these times because I try my best to let him have it because I sure know I don't want the responsibility of what I'm going through. Who knows where I would be, or what I would do.

Don't get me wrong, it's a constant sacrifice, but it's so good. I don't want to imagine my mind without letting go.

I pray this for us all right now(it's an idea from a little something I read, I am not but I know I AM):

"I am not, but God knows my name.

I am not, but He has pursued me in His love.

I am not, but I know the Creator of the universe."

It's all His anyway.

Constant Chaos

2008-08-15T14:57:00.009-05:00

I am in Alpharetta with my mom and it's good to see her. It feels like it's been a long time.

My mom failed to mention to me that during her bypass surgery that the doctor has found cancer on her liver and in on her abdomen wall. It has officially metathesized(She's a stage 4).

I just found out today from one of my mom's friends and there are a lot of things my mom is avoiding: test results, telling me what the doctors say, how much pain she is in, etc. I don't blame her. No matter which way you look at it, she is right smack in the middle of a battle, in every possible way. I never knew how much loved ones go through when someone in their family has cancer. Everyone's life goes on this hold...we have to be there. Every person involved in my mom's life directly right now is being thrown around in every direction. We truly love her and I pray she feels and knows how we are surrendering this burden to the Lord and not seeking our own interests. I don't know if that makes sense, but it just causes a continuous ache to see such suffering, but we aren't the ones with the disease. We are carrying the burden, to make the load lighter for her, not only because we are called to do this, but because we feel Christ in us, carrying us along. Praise Him for his love inside of us.

Also, my little baby puppy Charlie needs a new home. I will miss him dearly, but I know I am not capable of taking care of him right now.

It's hard to believe how fast life changes and the new decisions that follow. The only thing that is solid is the rock God has placed my feet on. He will hold me up.

I am handling it the best way that I know how and many new doors are opening.

Please know that if I could be 100% who I want to be, I would be. The only person I can be is the one that Christ is transforming and it may not always look healthy or pretty, but if it did, then you better believe that it isn't real.

I have my good days and I have my terrible ones. I'm only human. I know I will let you all down, or let myself down, or you will let me down, but that is why I have declared that Jesus Christ is my Savior and no one else.

"You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn." -Psalm 18:36

So I'll keep asking, for Your kingdom to come

2008-08-13T15:44:00.004-05:00

"Not my will or my plans or

the way I want it

I'm so tired of my hands in the way

So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father, today

Lord teach me how to pray"

My mom is doing really well recovering from her surgery. She is coming home to Alpharetta tomorrow and will be able to go through chemo there! I'll be able to see her a lot more, and of course more of her friends are there, too.

The Father blows my mind. He is revealing incredible things to me everyday, even though, I feel worthless most of the time. I know that I am not worthless. Christ is working this out. Me out.

My mom surprised me to today with some news today: Her body is healing really quickly, so that means that within the next four weeks, she could start chemo! That's basically two months before we thought it was possible for her!!! Thank you all for fighting daily for her and for me. God is really working through this situation. How could He not?! God always reveals during the most trying times, in the most intense ways. I don't always want to ask for Him to do what he does, but I'm always excited to see more of his kingdom.

More of Him, less of me.

Those dang feelings feel good today

2008-08-09T13:05:00.007-05:00

I love when truth and feelings have divine alignment. I wish I felt this way everyday! I guess it really wouldn't be faith if it was that easy, right? I just wanted you all to know that I'm having a good day! I really mean it too.

Most of you know that emotionally my life could sometimes be illustrated like this artwork, but I think we could all relate to painful emotions taking over.

The Lord has revealed a lot to me this morning: "If I should say, "My foot has slipped," Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multipy within me, Your consolations delight my soul." - Psalm 94:18-19

I don't have to call or share my heart with anyone. If I want to, I will know that I can. BUT what is even better is that I learning because I have a relationship with Christ, no matter who rejects me, I have Him and He always wants me...

He wants you too. Know that He always wants to hear what's on your heart, even if you feel or think that no one else wants to- He really really does.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes when thought refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7

The World is Wide Open

2008-08-06T16:36:00.006-05:00

There is a power in poverty that breaks principalities

it brings the authorities down to their knees

There is a brewing frustration and an ageless temptation

to fight for control through manipulation

The God of the Kingdoms and the God of Creation, God of the Nations

sent this revelation through the homeless, penniless, Jesus, the Son

The poor will inherit the Kingdom to come

Where will we turn when our world falls apart and all of the treasures we

stored in our barns, can't buy the Kingdom of God?

And who will praise when we've praised all our lives, men who build

kingdoms and men who build fame, but heave does not know their name?

And what are we going to fear, when all the remains is a God on the throne

with a child in his arms and love in His eyes?

And the sounds of His heart cries...

Take us way beyond religion

Way beyond the minds of man

Take us way beyond religion

Take us way beyond politics and the ways of this world

Deeper, We want to Go deeper

Teach us how to love

Teach me how to love

Teach us...

The World is Wide Open

the world is wide open

Sons and daughters of the Living God

All of heaven is waiting

I hear all of creation crying, "We're waiting"

Show us how to love

Teach us how to love

"Stop telling us you are the chosen people, Start living like the chosen people"

I am calling your name, every son and daughter...

-Jason Upton

Quick Update

2008-08-06T13:52:00.002-05:00

My mom is back to her hotel in Houston! She has been released from the hospital and is exhausted. Please pray for supernatural healing, so that she can start chemo asap. I believe that she will shock the doctors with a fast recovery!

You all are incredible!